What if Movie Characters Were Smarter?

[Laslo Hollyfeld]

Here's one for everyone:

What if people in movies acutally had common sense? How different would some movies be? For instance, take Jurassic Park III. What if it had gone like this:

Int. Diner
Tea Leoni and William H. Macy are trying to convince Sam Neill to go back to dino island--

Sam Neill: No amount of money would get me back to that island.

William H. Macy: Here's a check for a million jillion dollars.

Sam Neill: Okey-dokey.

Later that day

Sam Neill: Sorry, but your check didn't clear. I'm not going.

William H. Macy: Sorry for trying to trick you.


Am I right? What other movies would be drastically different if only the characters had common sense?

[MsCali]

I have a pet peeve (on both movies and tv shows)...when a guy and a girl like each other but one has a secret and the other finds out but neither talk about it (or there is some sort of minor misunderstanding and one of them jumps to conclusions), and the whole plotline is based on them not communicating AT ALL! Like, if the girl just said "Dude, he came here to ask me out, and I said I liked him, but I was in love with you and only liked him as a friend but you heard him ask me out and me say I like them and then wandered off all hurt and angry and didn't wait around for the rest of the sentence."

Like, seriously, people, if you are going to evesdrop, at least evesdrop on the whole conversation!

Man, I hate that.

But then, I guess a lot of movies wouldn't even exist then, so...

[The Movie Mark]

MsCali said:

I have a pet peeve (on both movies and tv shows)...when a guy and a girl like each other but one has a secret and the other finds out...

I totally agree. The Prince and Me (whose memory I'm still trying to erase) is a prime example. The Prince of Denmark comes to America to try to live a normal life, enrolling in college and everything. He meets Julia "Round Face" Stiles, and of course they fall in love. He doesn't reveal his Prince status immediately because he wants her to love *him* not his money or royalty. Then when he finally reveals the truth she's all, "Waaaaah, YOU LIED TO ME!" Then I had to sit through another hour or so of them resolving this conflict.

Here's how it should've gone down:

*****
Prince: Yo baby, I'm a prince.

Round Face: Really? That's cool. I'll accept you for whatever you are.

Prince: That's nice, but I'm gonna find somebody whose face is a little less round and who doesn't sound like a man. See ya.

Roll credits.
*****

It still would've been a horrible movie, but at least it would've been much shorter.

[Laslo Hollyfeld]

What about Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes?

EXT SPACE
We see Mark Wahlberg as he launches a monkey-piloted probe out into the dark void of space. Suddenly, and without warning, the probe is sucked into a huge vortex and disappears.

Mark Wahlberg: Oh well, that's why we use monekys instead of people in these test probes.

Roll credits

[alexfugazi]

Hells yeah-
Shreck: No see, I'm a complete emotional retard and can't tell you I love you.

Diaz-Shreck: Okay...see, I'm really a troll like you, but I'm an emotional retard too.

Shreck: Great, that works out, now let's eat the donkey before he busts out into "my girl wants to party all the time"

Diaz-Shreck: Deal.

Roll credits.

Gawddammit Shreck sucked the big one. The biggest movie of the year? Just proves people are stupid. But we already knew that.

[teo-the-greek]

Bruce Willis in Sixth Sense:

Aaah...these last months passed so quickly. I dont even remember what I did.Anyway.Time for a cup of coffe. I ll open the door now.And enter the coffe shop.Oops. Dammit. Why cant I opent he door? Let's try again. Oops. There's something wrong with me today.Maybe I m just clumsy. Oh, thanks kind sir for opening the door for yourself so I can also get in.Hey,I said "Thanks".What an Leonard Bland. Ok.let's see. I ll sit here. Ok. Cool.Nice place. Let's see what's one the menu. Hmm..I have the same "object touching problems" .Must be arthritis or somehting.Oh well. I ll just ask the waitress. Waitress! Waitress! WAITRESS!! WAITRESS!!!!!Where did they find this one? She's deaf and ablind obviously. I ll just grab her arm when she passes near me again. Oops...ti seems that I cant do anything the right way today.Hey,sir, where do you think you re going? I m sitting in this table,THIS TABLE IS MIN...HEY, WHAT THE HELL,THIS SEAT IS MINE!! HEY,GO AWAY-OH MY GOOD, HE PASSED THROUGH ME!! OH MY GOD, I MUST HAVE DIED SIX MONTHS AGO AND I M A GHOST NOW!!!!

[ntm7885]

Duel:

Guy getting chased: Oh no Hes after me again. Ill just turn around and go home.

THE END


(roll credits)

[EFG]

So we know the majority of them could have been smarter. So who's the smartest?

I nominate Yoda.

Nominate your favorites!

[AmberRose]

Breakdown

Kurt Russel's wife doesn't get in the truck and she stays and waits with him as he hooks those wires together on the bottom of the jeep then they drive off happily ever after.

[Laslo Hollyfeld]

I've got another one:

An American Werewolf in London (1981):

INT PUB--NIGHT
Two young American men are given adivce from some creepy old regulars

Creepy Old Regular #1 Stay on the path, boys.
Creepy Old REgular #2 Beware the moon.

American #1 Good advice. Maybe we'll stick around for a while longer.
American #2 Two beers, please.

Roll Credits

[ntm7885]

Good one.

[flipmoot]

Heheh, I think if movie characters where smarter there would't be any bad movies, oh bless. If only people didn't run away from a chasing car following the exact middle of the road, of only female characters didn't try to get away from killers on their knees or behind... if they would've just kicked that stjuupid Chucky doll, picked him up and put him in the garbage disposer that story didn't have to last 5 movies...

[Huey N]

well alot of movies are based on the stupidity of the charecters (especialy comedys i.e Anchorman).If the people were bright well most movies wouldnt be out right now.

~~~Sry for posting do late but this was funny so i had to put something in.