|
Post by alexfugazi on Apr 18, 2005 3:23:26 GMT -5
The movie theater I work at just stopped showing "Be Cool." And not a second too soon. That film was just so...underwhelming, I couldn't believe it. It tried so d**n hard to be Pulp Fiction and failed on every single instance. The worst thing about a film in which music is a large plot point, is that the music is always BAD! There was nothing worse than seeing a strangely unattractive Uma Thurman trying to look genuinely interested in some middle of the road R&B crap belted out by whoever that black chick was. Arguably the worst scene in any movie EVER was when Travolta and Uma try to convince the living mummy (Steven Tyler) that "Black Chick type A" should tour with Areosmith! What ensues is a totally awkward scene that involves Travolta trying to convince Tyler what "Areosmith's music is really all about." I was seriously squirming in my chair an gnashing my teeth in embarassment.
Oh gawd- it's full of "clever" Hollywood injokes, like Tyler saying "I hope you're not going to try to convince us to be in one of your movies...Areosmith isn't one of those bands who needs to show up in films to get fans." Wow, get it? They're in a film, saying they don't need to be in a film! How unbelievably freaking clever! I don't think I've ever seen anything as clever as that! Wow...look over there! That loaf of bread has been sliced into seperate pieces! OH MY FREAKING GOD! Now I don't have to eat the whold goddammed loaf! It's been sliced! This new sliced bread is easily the most clever thing since "Be Cool!" OH man, look at my shirt! It's got a pocket on it! I could put pens and things in there! That's pretty freaking cool! It must have been invented by the clever freaking geniuses who wrote the script to "BE COOL!"
With a cast and geneology that the film Be Cool had, there was absolutely no excuse for how bad it was. I found myself laughing out loud at all the wrong parts, which I'm sure was an annoyance to all the complete RETARDS around me who were laughing at all the "intended" jokes.
|
|
|
Post by Laslo Hollyfeld on Jun 8, 2005 13:39:39 GMT -5
Ladies and Gentlemarks, for your mocking pleasure, I give you: [glow=red,2,300]Python[/glow]
Starring: William "I used to be the bad blonde bully in The Karate Kid" Zabka , Robert "I used to be Freddy Kruger" Englund, Wil "I used to be Wesley Crusher" Wheaton (how much do you have to suck to get your name listed below those two?) and Jenny "I used to be a virgin--then I turned fourteen" McCarthy in a tight dress.
It's your basic Z-grade giant snake flick plot: Evil scientist creates giant snake for noble purposes. Giant snake gets loose. People die. Small band of disparate and reluctant townsfolk band together to fight giant snake. Snake dies in most disgusting manner filmable.
My favorite scene? Wesley Crusher's "girlfriend" (which we totally believe, by the way) is taking a shower when giant snake tries to get her. Her first course of action? Wrap a towel around herself. Then she squirts shampoo at the snake. When it doesn't work, the camera zooms in close to show the stupefied audience that the shampoo is "no tears formula" baby shampoo.
I'm guessing that was an on-set improv by the actress, because goodness knows you can't write comedy gold like that ahead of time!
And yes, the snake eats Wesley. WOO HOO!!
|
|
|
Post by The Movie Mark on Jun 8, 2005 14:22:11 GMT -5
Then she squirts shampoo at the snake. When it doesn't work, the camera zooms in close to show the stupefied audience that the shampoo is "no tears formula" baby shampoo. Hahaha! OK, that alone makes this worth checking out. And good news! This will air on the Sci-Fi Channel on Sunday, June 19th at 2:00 PM Central. Go ahead and set your TiVo.
|
|
|
Post by ntm7885 on Jun 8, 2005 14:50:51 GMT -5
My girlfriend loves movies like that. She rented Boa vs. Python last night.
|
|
flipmoot
Full Movie Mark
Witty comment
Posts: 99
|
Post by flipmoot on Jun 21, 2005 4:12:11 GMT -5
Ohhh, don't get me started, Anaconda; Hunt for the Blood Orchid... hurts my brain... Or even worse, Out of Reach. About a former agent of some agency living in the woods going to Russia to find a small girl he has been writing with for years. And I can't stand movies with mistakes in it. If Seagal gets behind the wheel from a car with some girl next to him I like to see him getting from behind the wheel again when they arrive on their destination. Appearently they switched seats during the drive. Or disappearing napkins, one minute there's a napkin over the food, the next shot it's mysteriously gone... But the worse is that Seagal has two complete different voices... how can that be?? If you get the chance to see this one... don't.
|
|
|
Post by Laslo Hollyfeld on Aug 8, 2005 9:59:14 GMT -5
In my never-ending quest for truly awful movies that deserve a steamin' cup of home-brewed MST, I humbly offer the following: The Glass Trap"Starring," (and I use the term loosley) C. Thomas Howell, a whole bunch of other people you've never heard of, Martin "Evil Cobra Kai Sensei from The Karate Kid" Kove, and a slew of giant plastic ants. The Plot: Giant, angry, radioactive ants terrorize usupecting people trapped in an office building. Our hero, C. Thomas, is a janitor at said office building on a partiucularly busy Saturday. Among those coming in the building are a high powered buisness woman and her cute assistant, a sleazy photographer who is gonig to the roof with two models for a photo shoot, and a corrupt businessman who is there to steal some computer files. Oh, and the ants. Mixed in with all this is a woman who works for the U.S. Deptartment of Agriculture, who is trynig to find the radioactive ants after an accident at a nursery leaves three people dead. (She claims to be tough as nails, but she faints whenever she sees a dead body.) Meanwhile, the ants go killing one by one, hurrah! hurrah!... Sorry, I couldn't resist. This movie is so bad on so many levels. The ants are clearly plastic puppets that the actors themselves have to operate during their "ant attack" scenes. One guy literally has his left arm inside the ant puppet while trying to fight it off with his right hand. The best moments, though, come courtesy of C. Thomas. When the head janitor berates C. Thomas for being a lousy janitor, and reminds him that he's "lucky to even have a job," I turned to my brother in law and said, "This isn't a movie, it's a documentary about C. Thomas Howell's life!" I could picutre him working as a janitor somehwere and telling the director something like "Dude, I could totally get you into this building on a Saturday to shoot this movie--just let me be in it!" The USDA agent shows up, apparently recovered from her recent attack of the vapors, and takes control of the situation as a black-vest-clad paramilitary group descend upon the building, complete with sub-machine guns and night-vision gear--even though it's like two in the afternoon. We are told that she works for a section of the USDA that is so secret, "not even the President knows about it." Now, can I believe that the CIA has an ultra secret section that flies below official radar? Sure. Does the NSA have black ops personnel? Probably. Is the FBI secretly tapping everyone's phones? Maybe. But, c'mon... the department of agriculture What are they protecting, some uber-secret lawn fertilizer? Then there's the closing credit sequence. Not only does it take around fifteen minutes, but every single person in the film gets a three frame slow motion dramatic name reveal. I feel like I took one for the team this weekend. At least I'll get a dollar credit at Hollywood Video if I get it back by midnight!
|
|
|
Post by The Movie Mark on Aug 8, 2005 12:53:15 GMT -5
I feel like I took one for the team this weekend. And we thank you. It's funny because C. Thomas Howell was going to be one of my "stars" in a future Movie Mark Original. But couldn't they have come up with a cheesier title than The Glass Trap? I looked up the director (Fred Olen Ray - he also has about 32 different aliases, understandably) and six of his movies have the word "bikini" in them. I think that sums up about what to expect from this dude.
|
|
|
Post by MrShade on Aug 8, 2005 16:01:06 GMT -5
Not cool. I was drinking a glass of water and water almost shot out of my nose when I read this. I'm still laughing while I type this.
|
|
|
Post by The Movie Mark on Aug 9, 2005 11:09:34 GMT -5
Not cool. I was drinking a glass of water and water almost shot out of my nose when I read this. I'm still laughing while I type this. Poor C. Thomas Howell. Does anybody remember when The Outsiders came out and he was being touted as the future star of the group? That didn't work out quite so well.
|
|
|
Post by Laslo Hollyfeld on Aug 10, 2005 11:00:47 GMT -5
[quote author=admin board=BadMovies thread=1092950922 post=1123603774 Poor C. Thomas Howell. Does anybody remember when The Outsiders came out and he was being touted as the future star of the group? That didn't work out quite so well.[/quote]
That reminds me--- his character's name in this film is Curtis... to which my brother in law immediatley said "Curtis... PONYBOY Curtis..."
|
|
|
Post by AustralianAnn on Oct 25, 2005 6:39:25 GMT -5
Stay Gold Ponyboy (Sodapop too!)
|
|
|
Post by Laslo Hollyfeld on Oct 31, 2005 10:12:02 GMT -5
Okay, so last night CBS showed the totally awful
[glow=red,2,300]Vampire Bats[/glow]
starring Lucy "I'm surprisingly hot even without my Xena costume" Lawless.
Since I was one of only about four people (the other three being my wife, my sister and her husband) who acutally saw this, I thought I'd give you the benefit of knowing of what EVERY scene ended up being like:
A group of sexy yet unsupecting teens are either partying, or sneaking off to commit illict acts of libidinous frolic.
Male Teen: C'mon, baby....relax.
A brief, yet sudden flapping sound is heard
Female Teen: What was that?
Male Teen: What was what?
Female Teen: Didn't you hear that brief yet sudden flapping sound?
Male Teen: No.
flap flap flap....squeeeek
Female Teen: There it is again! Didn't you hear that?
Male Teen: It's probably just the wind.
Female Teen: But what about those other teens they found recently who had been drained of all their blood?
Male Teen: Forget about it. Let's have sex.
Female Teen: Okay.
Flap flap flap squeeeek flap flap flap..... the camera pans rapidly around above them, until it zooms straight down on top of the teens. They both look up and...
Both Teens: AAAAAAAUUUGGHHHHH!!!!
Cut to black.
Yep, that's pretty much the entire movie. The only other things you have to suspend your belief on is whether you buy that Lucy Lawless has a PhD in animal behavoir and biology and wears skin-tight jeans while teaching.
Hey...it worked for me!
|
|
|
Post by The Movie Mark on Nov 1, 2005 12:03:42 GMT -5
Thanks for the report, Laslo. I was really tempted to record this one, but something just stopped me from doing it. Had it been a Sci Fi Original then it would definitely be sitting pretty in my DVR menu right now, but with it being on CBS I feared it'd be more bad than "so bad it's good."
Another thing that would've definitely forced me to watch would've been if Lou Diamond Phillips had been cast. Come on, the guy was in Bats, so this would've been a logical career step!
You've gotta love the current theme of painting some tight jeans on hot chicks and then trying to convince us they have PhDs. See Lake Bell in Surface for another "I dare you to suspend your disbelief regarding THIS" example.
|
|
|
Post by Laslo Hollyfeld on Nov 2, 2005 18:56:42 GMT -5
For another example, take Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist in The World is not Enough. What'd she do her dissertation on? "Breast Implants and Anti-Gravity?"
Hmmm... Talk about a disbelief of suspension!
*rim shot*
|
|
|
Post by Laslo Hollyfeld on Mar 29, 2007 8:38:23 GMT -5
However, If I had to nail down one movie that left me wide-eyed and praying for death, it would have to be "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon" Johnny...I tried to warn ya, buddy... but the jet ski incident is pure gold. And the film contains possibly the WORST line of dialogue ever. You know the one I mean. "I'd like to take you home and..." Yeah.
|
|